We just heard the news that legendary comic and late night host, David Letterman, will retire in 2015. Say it ain’t so!

In light of this news, we figured it only made sense to let everyone know the Top Ten things Letterman will do in Retirement:

10. Get job as straight man on all-new Late Show with Biff Henderson.

9. Drink beer until pants are actually world wide.

8. Pick remains of Hello Deli Platter out of gap in teeth.

7. Learn smarter human tricks.

6. Determine if Jay Leno will float.

5. Sell 20 years’ worth of tailored suits on eBay.

4. Keep introducing Oprah and Uma to each other.

3. Write fake songs to stump Paul Shaffer and band.

2. Light cigars with royalty checks.

1. Spend more time subtly insulting his family.

We’re sorry to see you go, Dave — but at least we have another year and a half to soak it all in. Thanks for the memories!